chuckleliu's Xanga

Keeping trash where it belongs.

Mon, 14 May 2007 03:59:15 GMT

It's the first time I've been able to listen to Over the Rhine's "If Nothing Else" in 6 months.

"Words in my head
Like misfits after midnight begging for a light
Words left unsaid
They may never see the light of day, and that may be ok.."

The Old Has Gone, the New Has Come

Thu, 03 May 2007 00:15:23 GMT

My freshmen year, I learned that transplanting myself from Jersey to Illinois doesn't fix my problems. It only puts new faces in old problems.

This year has been just that.

But renewal, healing, redemption. These are themes I never stop hearing about in Scripture.

"Only You can make every new day seem so new."

Sorry Xanga, you're a casualty of leaving the past behind and pressing onward. May I not toss out the past and relationships wholesale.

http://chuckliu.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Tue, 01 May 2007 14:46:57 GMT

I feel like I'm graduating. Disconnecting, probably for my own sake.

And yet, my peers feel like I'll be back.

Yes, I will be back physically. But whether I will be able to come back and live life like my first three years, well that's a different story.

Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon...

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 18:24:03 GMT

Ang, you made the end of this year much more bearable. Thank you for last night.

Wheaton College Men's Glee Club Banquet at Fulton's on the River and Lake Michigan. Dropping lots of money doesn't make anything better, but spending sweet time with friends does.

Cheers.

Note to self... next time, remember to change out of nice clothes before going to Steak & Shake.

He hears our sighs and counts our tears

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 19:17:56 GMT

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

We can hold onto things as much as we want... but if the Lord has not given them to us for us to keep, what can we do to stop Him from taking it from us?

He does His work in this world and in others' lives with and without me. People come and go, some in more difficult and painful ways than others. There is nothing static about our lives. Homeostasis is maintained by praising the Lord in all of the changes, not in fighting them or wishing for things to be different.

It is humbling to confess that no matter how faithful we try to be, no matter how sensitive to the Spirit or how willing we are to be stretched, some things are simply out of our hands and in the hands of the Lord and how He chooses to work in others' lives. Heh, no matter how faithful we try to be, some things just don't turn out the way we want them to.

I never was the Holy Spirit. Sounds obvious, but it's true. I suppose that's a good thing. It's always a joy to share in God's work in people's lives... but there is a time for everything. We let go because it is the Lord's work, and not our own. We take joy in what we can, and let people go trusting in the mighty power and work of the Lord.

After all, He has the best for them just as much as He has the best for me, and certainly doesn't need me to bring that about.

Paul, Paul, it is hard for you to kick against the goads.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 22:52:17 GMT

I hate so much right now.

真的好痛。。。

To those who are staying, to those who are leaving, and everyone in between...

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 17:39:50 GMT

... I fear I regret more than I rejoice.

"Things are the way they are, and it has to be ok."

Such is the mentality I hold towards most of you. That is the mentality of being forced in the relational aspects of my life to accept the current reality of things. With each graduating class, more and more of my friends and acquaintances disappear. It's not even my own graduation yet.

There is a curse here at Wheaton, one that is viewed as a blessing to optimists. Too bad I'm not one. It's the curse of having too many people of quality in one place. There are many things I regret. I regret that I only have 24 hours in a day, and that deep relationships take time. I regret that there are many of you leaving who I view as being very quality people, yet will probably never see again on this side of heaven. I regret that given our constraints, we can only realistically have so many people in our lives. I regret that realistically, keeping in touch will be difficult in the beginning, and will gradually cease as time goes on, even for those I do know. I deeply regret the dreams that had to be murdered and the dreams that I murdered for others. I regret all the opportunities I neglected, the selfishness that hurt what existed, and my lack of appreciation and investment in what I do have, leaving a swath of blessings untouched, and another trail of blessings unutilized.

I regret my own sin and pride that caused hurt to others, and the ways in which others have hurt me. I'm sad and frustrated that my trust in the Gospel has not made healing as easy as I would like, or relationships as beautiful as they should be. I regret that I might just leave here with a pool of semi-significant friendships and the epitome of shallow convenience-based relations via Facebook, but none that last for a lifetime.

"And that has to be ok." ... ever the refrain that I hear from God, who understands our limits and our regrets, yet encourages us to fight absolute determinism. "Be faithful, in spite of pain and the limits of time."... ever the command that I hear, because the work of the Lord is not limited to our ability or the number of hours in a day.

For every 100 regrets, I will still rejoice that I even knew your names, had random meals with you, had the privilege of serving next to you, had been the recipient of God's grace because of you, and now know that people like you exist out there, hopefully to be a fuller blessing to someone else.

My nondeterministic side will strive to be faithful, because the goal is never really a place or a point in time, but the journey and the process. So in the end, despite my regrets, I will thank the Lord for you being a part of my life, no matter how much I missed out on. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May we enjoy His blessings with an open hand, and remember that our joy is not in the temporary gift, but the eternal Giver.

Blessings to you, friends. This life will be ever full of transitions and goodbyes... some of which we think are temporary but will be permanent, and others we set down only to find ourselves unexpectedly picking back up.

I wish I knew some of you better, spent more time with some of you, and wish things were different with others of you. But such is life... and that has to be ok, because God knows what He's doing with us.

Leave your key at the front desk

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 17:40:22 GMT

I'm trying so hard not to check out.

I leave for China in a little more than a month, yet between here and there, I have 4 papers, 2 books, 1 final, and one GRE to take.

I'm trying desperately to remind myself that I'm not done here yet. There are so many reasons why I want to get out of here, why I want to be done with people and work, school and obligations. I want to sign off and shut down without saying the goodbyes that I need to say and avoid the ones I don't want to say.

A voice is pulling at the cuff of my pants, like a dog that won't let go. Be here. Right now. Invest and love. Don't quit being faithful.

But Lord, I'm so tired of it all... despite my hate for running away, I just want to check out.

I'm sorry if I disappear for these next few weeks... I'll try to smile when I show my face.

There is mercy

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 03:23:27 GMT

I commend those of you who wrestle with the hard questions. I commend you because it is a difficult road to walk on... one on which you realize the answers aren't as easy as most people make them seem. I commend you for your abilities to recognize complexity and ambiguity, for not giving into the temptations of oversimplification or clinging mindlessly to trite phrases. I admire your willingness to wrestle with realities that do not fit into neat frameworks... (or rather, perhaps your willingness to deal with something that is forced upon you by reality.)

Forgive those of your brothers and sisters who do not show you grace, or who look down upon you, as if wrestling with hard questions was a sin. Forgive them, but do not blame them or be angry at them if they do not understand or think/see the world as you do. Not everyone was given the same eyes, the same mind... whether that be a blessing or a curse. So as they look down upon you, forgive them... and do not look down upon them.

For some people, the answers truly are clear and easy. Perhaps they are at fault for not thinking... for simply going along without looking around. But perhaps they aren't at fault... and that has to be ok. For others, the questions that demand answers cannot be answered sufficiently on this side of heaven. And you know what... that might have to be ok too. Keep in mind though, that not everything neccessarily needs a complicated answer.... some things might be simple. Do not disdain an idea just because it is simple... truth can be found in the simple just as it might exist dispersed in a cloud of ambiguity and incongruity.

This is why I think you might come out better on the other side. You might. You might just might have a deeper understanding about paradoxes, anomalies, and of faith in an uncertain world. You might just come out with an understanding of God that is much larger than when you first went in.

Please know that you do not wrestle alone... there are prayers prayed on your behalf.

Though dysfunctional, I am still your Brother.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:39:57 GMT

As I stormed out of Blanchard today, I stepped outside into the sun as a pear colored dove flapped, like slow motion, a few inches in front of my face, with a twig in its mouth. She landed in the bush to the left of me, and started working on her nest.

Thank You for beauty, Lord.

---

It's always humbling when you realize that some of your friends are dealing with much graver issues in their lives compared to your own problems. It drops you on your knees on their behalf, all the while forcing you to wonder what it was that you were complaining about just a little while ago...

Father, have mercy on your beloved children. Do not leave their side... be the peace in their heart. They have no one but you... and no one can bring healing like you do.